Friday, June 5, 2009

I feel like I live in Torech Ungol

The spiders, oh my goodness. There was one on my SHAMPOO BOTTLE yesterday; she was just loitering there, enjoying the steam, or laying her eggs or something. I use two different shampoos because my hair is nuts, and I thank my lucky stars I was using my other shampoo that day. But still. I was done washing my hair, and I leaned over to get something else, when I saw it lurking. I swear those conniving harridans have daily meetings on How to Terrorize Naomi Today.

She met an unpleasant end. It involved hot water and Scrubbing Bubbles and a plugged drain, just in case she came back to life in the drain trap under the tub. They do that. No, I'm not kidding, and be careful all you people like me who can't even stand to look at pictures of spiders.

Today I went shopping with The Child, but as I was walking out to the car I looked down and I saw I was wearing my brownish canvas slip-on shoes. With a black shirt and grey and black polka-dotted socks. Baby drool all down my front and lifeless hair are more than enough I've Given Up on Life for me in one outfit, so I had to go back in. As I was unlocking my door, something brushed against my face. I've been working on Not Freaking Out over Every Little Thing, so I made myself not freak out. Because for every time I actually do have a spider web in my face, there are a frillion instances when it's just a piece of my own lifeless hair.

So I ignored it.

And then something floated down directly in front of my face. And dangled there. First, I Freaked Out. Then I got mean and went stomping after the thing, and when she kept darting into cracks at just the right moment, I yelled, "Die! Why won't you die! Die!" several times. And then she ran out of cracks to hide in, and she, too, met an unpleasant end on the bottom of my ugly shoe.

I'm sure the neighbors are thrilled about the crazy woman in the green house. Maybe this is why the teenager across the street lets her friends honk their horns instead of using the doorbell and plays her music so loud the bass causes our brains to liquefy and slams her truck door over and over and over and over again.

Carter's was having a sale today. Only instead of saying, "Clothing Sale!" everything said, "Baby Sale!" This cracked me up, but I'm not sure if it's because I'm way more tired than I realize or if it's because it was actually funny.

The Child officially crawls. She'd done it before, but it was just one step and then flat on her face. Yesterday and the day before, she crawled across the living room several times. It's very cute, but I probably would have been okay if she hadn't done that for another twelve months.

We bought some bottled water the other day. Great Value® water. We bought it because we're totally awesome parents and still haven't had our water tested, and Grace is now drinking a little bit of water, and I am using some in her food, and I want to make sure she doesn't grow an extra eye or start speaking only pig Latin just because I had to be a hippie and make her baby food with my tainted water.

So. Bottled water. When one buys something that says, "purified drinking water" on the front, you pretty much expect filtered tap water, which is fine. Well, in teeny little print, half of it obscured by a picture of a refreshing splash of water, it also says, "With flavor enhancing minerals." Those would be magnesium sulfate, potassium bicarbonate and potassium chloride, none of which are harmful to babies, but I'm still annoyed. Why would a store brand put additives in something that is supposed to be bland anyway? If I'm looking to buy flavored water, I'll buy flavored water. If I'm looking to buy water, I'll buy whatever is cheapest. I don't know many people who look for bottled water and say, "By golly, this potassium chloride is simply delicious! I must have it!" Dear Great Value®, you probably could have made your water even cheaper by just leaving it alone. Idiots.

Have you people seen this JuPoThiMo business? What did I tell you? August will be AugMyHeMo, for, "Augh, my head (please stop this nonsense)."

The Child is currently lurching about the floor and has somehow managed to gather all her noisy toys together. They are all going off at once, and she is very confused. I feel you, kid.

She is still sleeping like it's 2008. Now, I realize that, compared to a lot of people, I have nothing to complain about. But based on what I'm accustomed to, this broken sleep and early waking is making life difficult. I'm not yet to the point where I'm irritable and sad all the time. But I find myself gazing dumbly into space even more than is normal for me.

Earlier today, I went to mix up some coffee for myself (my second or third cup, so there's really no excuse). I put my sugar in before pouring my coffee, then went to do something else. I came back, expecting to drink my coffee, and was completely stymied by the blank white bottom of my mug. I must have stared into it for at least a minute.

My conversation of late has also been punctuated with a lot of "Uh," "Buh," "Guh," "Duh," "Boy I'm articulate!" and "Oh, you know what I'm trying to say!"

I talked to my sister about the sleeping issues last night. Her advice, if nothing else works, is to take up drinking. "That way you'll forget all the bad stuff, and you'll have pleasant memories of your kid." And people wonder where I get my twisted sense of humor.

So I'm off to booze it up.

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