Yesterday sucked. Since I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep, I spent the entire day in a trance. A very grouchy trance. I thank my lucky stars every day for a patient husband. He would have left long ago if he were a lesser man. I'm a real pill to live with when I'm tired. It's a good thing maternal love is so very, very strong, or the baby might have been put out on the porch all day yesterday. Not that she did anything wrong. She's just so demanding, with the feeding and the burping and the changing and the entertaining. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch and sleep. And eat. Always with the eating.
Yesterday I didn't even shower. Yuck. First day since mid-hospital stay that I haven't showered. We did take a walk. I'm glad we went a little before school got out, or the high school kids might have wondered what was with the greaseball homeless lady pushing a stroller around school grounds. I promise you this is a real baby in here, not a tin can sculpture or a used-up mop head. And this stroller was a gift! Honest! I didn't steal it!
Anyway, the weather is getting much, much colder all of a sudden. And windy. Pretty soon I'm not going to want to go for any walks, and then I will slump into a sunlight-free depression and die. Any suggestions? This happens every year around this time. With no baby and halfway decent sleep, I've always just ridden it out for the week or two that it lasts. I may buy some cocaine this year, though, just to cope. Any suggestions? For dealers or alternate coping strategies.
Grace did really, really well yesterday. She was awake and happy for a couple two-hours stretches yesterday. I think she stared at the ceiling fan, unblinking, for like an hour at one point; it always looks like she's contemplating the wonders of Ceiling Cat. I didn't think babies could focus that far away at this age.
Well, those long stretches of worshiping His Royal Catness meant that last night, she went way too long between her 10:00 feeding and her nighttime feeding. I don't bother to set the alarm for 5 hours after her last feeding of the day because she always wakes me up--usually at 5 hours on the dot. Well, last night, she went from 10:00 until 4:30. I do feel terrible about that; she's a little too young to go six hours with no food, but I feel amazing today. Which makes me feel even more guilty. I feel wonderful because I'm a bad mother. Go me.
But! Yesterday was Mr. Hyde. Today is Dr. Jekyll. (I always have to look up that story to keep straight which is which) From now on I set an alarm. My poor starving child. When I did feed her at 4:30, she ate and ate and ate and ate like we hadn't fed her since the day she was born. I was up for an hour with her, which is unusual; usually she's such a quick eater that it takes no more than 40 minutes, usually more like 20.
I must go. I have eaten a banana today. That's it. Mr. Hyde will be returning shortly if I don't get food in me soon. I may just end up eating that baby. Have you seen her cheeks?
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