98 Ways You Are Inadequate, and How to Fix That (Part One)

Or, as most people call it, Parents magazine.

I don't know why this just came in the mail, but I'm going to have fun with it.



First Impressions!

"Smoother Mornings, Easier Lunches, Fewer Hassles." We'll get to this later. It's my favorite.

I love the article title, "The Chill Mom's Guide to School." I sense they're implying that the mom on the cover is chill (we'll call her Jessica), but she is not. That baby (her name will be Tulle) looks terrified. The older one (Persimmon) is clinging to her leg like it's Kate Winslet's ocean debris. Both she and Jessica have fabulous hair and clean outfits. Something is up with this family. But "chill" is definitely not that something. At the very least, they're all morning people, whom I never trust completely.

"Baby's Amazing Milestones: When to Coax Them (And When to Relax)." Or, as I call it, "Information for Parents Who Don't Trust the Pediatrician (Sometimes It's Legit)."

Guys, there's a Special Report! "Work. Life. Balance?" I'm not a working mom, so I can't be too snarky about this title, but I predict it will include at least 500 moms who are stressing about manufactured problems.

"30 Beauty Buys Worth Your Dime." Okay. I actually kind of like this.

"Safe and Easy Natural Remedies for Kids." I call it, "How to Reject Perfectly Safe and Highly Effective Medicinal Remedies Because You Want to Be Crunchy." I don't know. I haven't read it yet. Maybe it will surprise me.