Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Because I'm still five

The highway two houses to our north is under construction. Heavy construction. They tore up the whole road several months ago but couldn't do anything for a long time because of the flooding. Well, now they're back at it, and they are working away with much zeal.

The first few mornings I was here by myself, I thought the house was going to come crashing down around my ears. It's like a mild earthquake that lasts all day. The whole house shakes, and all the light fixtures rattle. I know in my head that the house is sound, but the fraidy cat part of me keeps screaming "OLD HOUSE! YER GONNA LOSE IT AND BE IN HORRIBLE DEBT AND HAVE NO PLACE FOR YOUR BAY-BEE TO SLEEP!"

Kind of like when I get up in the middle of the night to go pee (every thirty seconds), I'm afraid to flush the toilet because I've seen and read It about eight times too many. I also have to look behind the shower curtain every time I go into the bathroom to be sure there are no zombies/dead people/undead people taking a spa day in there. Yes, I do this at other people's houses, too. Sorry. Don't worry; I don't judge. My shower regularly looks worse, I can assure you.

Ever since I was little, I've made up rules for all the crazy nighttime fears.

Monsters under the Bed/in the Closet: If I'm completely under the blankets (except my head; have to be able to see and breathe), they can't get me. But! If any part of the blanket dangles over the edge of the bed, all bets are off; they'll be able to cheat and pull the blanket off and get me (this has made for some very hot, sweaty nights). The same goes for limbs dangling over the edge. To this day I have issues with anything hanging over the edge of the bed. Which sucks because it's pretty comfortable.

Basements: If I can make it to the light switch or to a certain step (laundry room at our old apartment: bottom step--there was good lighting; basement in my grandparents' house: top step), the monsters won't be able to get me. In my mind, the monster's scabby hand is juuust about to grab my ankle when I flip that switch or hit that step.

Outdoors at Night: No safe rules, except to be accompanied by someone. Even flashlights just make you a target. Better say your prayers.

Plumbing at Night: Once I flush, if I can make it out of the bathroom and set foot on the carpeting in the hallway, It can't get me. If I turn the light on, too, but I hate doing that because it wakes me up.

House Shaking to Pieces from 7 am to 3 pm: Nope. No safe rules. Except homeowner's insurance. And the possibility of suing for damages. If I fall through the floor into the basement and miraculously survive, I will probably be permanently insane. Can you imagine the kinds of spiders that would stir up?

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