You know how, when you meet a new person the first time, one of the first questions you ask is, "Are you on Facebook?" With people my age, I never ask it expecting anything other than, "Yeah! I'm on there under Bob Loblaw." So when I asked recently asked a new friend, and she said, "No," I said, "I'll friend you. Look for Naomi Wgermanicsounds." And then, "...Oh. You're not on Facebook? Okay." I am not even lying, I sat there for a few seconds trying to figure out how I would contact her. Like it's 1750, and she lives 500 miles away.
And then I remembered the telephone, and texting. But no. She does not have a cell phone. Just a phone phone. That you speak into. Without being able to see the other person's face, and who knows it could be a demon faced monster replicating my friend's voice. You never know. This is why I distrust the telephone. That and my terrible hearing and inability to understand anyone without the assistance of body language. You just told me something tragic, and I laughed out loud. Oops. Sorry about that. I totally thought your grandma's death was a joke. Let me laugh nervously while changing the subject to something even more awkward.
And then my second thought was, "How will she see how interesting I am?" (Because I TOTALLY am, here in suburban Salt Lake with my two kids and minivan) Some people keep Facebook for family updates, some keep it for deep thoughts (real or imagined), some people keep it to snoop on the old classmates who randomly friended them (I would know nothing about that last one at all), but mostly, I just like to entertain. I like to be known as a funny person.
(And here's a weird aside: It has come to my attention that women aren't supposed to be funny. Evidently, this has been a thing for a long time. It's not just that it's not typically a trait that men find attractive in women; it's that some people seem to think women are unable to be funny. I could buy that, if we were talking about specific types of humor--slapstick, wordplay, situation irony, plain old wittiness--, but I'm pretty sure we're all made to be funny to one varying degree or another, and at least half of the funniest people I know are women. Are they unfamiliar with Tina Fey or Amy Poehler or Allie Brosh? Or maybe they are familiar with these women, and have no sense of humor. Or they have gone all through their lives thinking "funny" actually meant "smelling of meat.")
(Another aside, if you type "funny" over and over again without finding a better word to use, it starts to look like a fake word.)
I used to be a super huge dork. I don't mean that in the fun, endearing way. I mean that in the way that everybody picked on me, and I responded by acting like an *angry monkey/know-it-all jerk. It didn't go great for me in elementary school. Then I went to a new middle school, and still got picked on, but I had learned that freaking out only made it worse, so I grew a sense of humor instead. I was still a super huge dork, but no longer a social outcast. Why? Because I could make at least a few people laugh (and saved the freaking out for my voodoo dolls). And ever since, it's pretty much my only social skill. I rely on it so heavily that I'm always compelled to make a joke out of everything. Yeah, I know it's annoying.
But all that to say, when I meet someone new, if she doesn't get to see how fun I am on Facebook, how will she ever want to be friends with me? There's a period of extreme discomfort between the time I meet someone new and the time I stop saying inappropriate things all the time.
So far, she seems to still like me. But I never know what I'm going to say on the telephone.
*minus the poo flinging