Monday, November 17, 2008

So tired my brain smells like scrambled eggs.

You people are so sweet. Now, I know that all parents have had moments where they had only three options: 1) Leave the room and scream 2) Shake the child 3) Kill oneself. I know this, and I know that choosing option one was the best, but I still felt terrible. Especially since I'm nowhere near as sleep-deprived as most new mothers. This child, she sleeps seven or eight hours almost every single night. It's too bad I can never just go to bed and to sleep immediately after putting her down for the evening (usually between 10 and 11). Instead I stay up until 12:30.

I think I might be pregnant again. All I want to eat is honey and ho-hos. I have never in my life had a sweet tooth. This is disconcerting.

We are having our neighbors over on Saturday. This will be a challenge. I'm forcing myself to cook something simple and totally not impressive. If I try to make something involved and really neat, I'll end up with really burnt food or a food-covered baby. It must be something that I can work on throughout the week, and it must be something I can make in 20-minute increments.

What I'm really panicking about is conversation. How do two 26-year-old geeks with a baby and sleep debt make conversation with two 60-years old lawn care lovers? I'm working on topics of conversation already. Nerves do funny things to me and James. I talk more and more about myself (it's what I know!), and he talks more and more about video cards and the new Diablo III. Someone suggested working out a code word to tip the other off when we're each doing our annoying things. I think we'll try that. Or just kick him under the table. And probably end up kicking Ed in the shins.

I'm really, really happy to have a baby. I already want more. I already miss her newborn-ness.

But please tell me there will come a time when I can think about something (anything!) besides the baby. She's started sleeping really well, but I invariably wake up between 3 and 5 in the morning, certain that she's crying and needs to eat. Or I'll dream that my extra pillow is the baby and wake up feeding the pillow, or wake up in a panic, sure that the pillow I have under me or clenched in my arms is a suffocated baby.

And when I'm awake, at least half of my brain is reserved for her. I can think about other things, but I can never think only of other things, even if it's just in the background. I'm just sick of all conversation turning to her and how cute she is, or how I'm constantly distracted from whatever conversation I am having because I'm thinking about her.

This is not so bad all the time, but it does mean I hear myself saying "Baby baby baby Grace blah blah child baby Grace blah blah baby baby," and I am powerless to stop it. My poor friends.

And yes, I do get out of the house baby-free. It doesn't seem to help.

So, since the wee one has robbed me of all funniness and creativity, I give to you a video. There's a better-quality one up on facebook. The stupid camera is really loud, or you'd hear her a whole lot better.

What I think is really funny about this is what she looks like. Substitute a tank top and a bathrobe for her onesie and sleeper. All she needs is chest hair, a beer, and a remote control.

I was totally joking about being pregnant again. Just thought I'd clear up any potential misunderstanding.

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